Sophia Demetriades Toftdahl

You can predict success and failure in business and personal relationships with 87.4% accuracy, right from the start!

How?

Self-Awareness.

Learning from relationship researcher and marriage expert Gottman’s (2012) formula to predict marital stability and divorce in couples, we can predict with 87.4% accuracy if a marriage will last in only 4 minutes, and we can apply this to all our relationships.

Here are the 4 major relationships killers:

1. Avoidance 

The first and most often employed tactic in destroying relationships is avoiding conflict or people. When you avoid conflict – either because you are unaware of your own feelings or afraid of arguing – a situation can escalate. Rather than confronting the issue with your partner, you disengage the conversation, and when this happens repeatedly, the problems tend to accumulate.

Solution: open communication and constructive feedback

2. Criticism (blame)

Different from having an opinion or complaint, criticizing others is a form of attack that chips away at their confidence and self-esteem. A complaint would go like this: “You’re an hour late, I was starting to get worried – can you call me next time you’re running late?” This is criticism: “You’re late again. I was worried! You never think about how your behavior affects other people. Would it kill you to think about someone other than yourself for once?”

Solution: constructive feedback focussing on the situation and not the person

3. Defensiveness (excuses)

It’s natural to be defensive when you feel like you’re being accused of something. However, defensive communication generally creates more tension. When you excuse your behavior rather than take responsibility, and say things such as ‘I was busy at work/the bus ran late/My training ran over’ instead of taking ownership as to why you’ve not done what you promised, you reinforce that your reason (work/traffic/gym) is more important than them.

Solution: know what/who is important and value time management to avoid fire

4. Contempt

It’s a direct disrespect to others to believe you are more important than them. We often use unhelpful body language such as eye-rolling, or use sarcasm or ridicule un knowingly. This can make others feel worthless and unloved, and rarely moves the conversation forward in a positive way.

Solution: gain awareness of your body language by asking for feedback

Awareness of general mistakes means that you can avoid them and transform your relationships. Having a clear understanding of how others perceive you as genuine thus provide a scientific strategy for the success of your personal and professional relationships.

A long term strategy in short; self-awareness and self-observance can save relationship breakdowns in any area of your life.

A Game Changing insight!

A relationship Manager is a professional who works to improve relationships. Relationship Management is generally divided into three fields including businesses relationship management (BRM), customers relationship management (CRM), and between individuals  as interpersonal relationship management (IRM). The latter describing a modern practice combining human resource management, coaching and mentoring, and public relations. All three fields share the common goal of facilitating effective relationships such that the business or individual  maximizes the value of their relationships and maintain a good reputation over all.

Relationships have traditionally been regarded as an intangible aspect of business that was inherently difficult to assess or manage. Relationship Managers are part of a movement that seeks to use a scientific approach to gain greater control over business and personal relationships. Relationship Managers seek to define, quantify and analyze relationships so that they are not left u up to chance.

In 2010, Sophia Demetriades released a white paper that helps people understand, solve and decide upon common issues in the sphere of business to business marketing, business to customer marketing, internal stakeholder relations and interpersonal relationship building. The paper is based on interviews with more than 300 entrepreneurs, SMB owners, employees, interns and students and surveys of her mentees and clients over the last 7 years.

More recently, Demetriades (2012) has published several articles and papers on how these issues interact across three fields and which she believes will merge over the coming 10. With the backdrop of this research, she predicts a future landscape where entrepreneurship, human resources and public relations together shape a new trend for education of the individuals of the 21st century. Please note that she has chosen to define public relations also on scandinavian terms. Thus, the definitions must be understood in context prior to embarking upon her interpretations, which came to life during a study of small business communications.

Demetriades believe that current HR practitioners will move away from their recruitment offices and become coaches and mentors – and thus replace, or at the very least reduce, the presence of the university in our current society. After all, due to technology and the internet, western societies have  greater access to knowledge and may not need the university on the same level as previously. We may see that the university will return to its origin where small groups or student teacher relationships become the norm. Imagine the early days of Plato and Aristotle, walking through the university hall in Athens, depicting the true meaning of university, designed for advanced learning for people as part of ‘the whole’, or ‘the society’.

The merging and emerging fields of human resources, public relations and entrepreneurship

The recent changes in the landscape of relationship management has been suggested as a result of three over arching factors (Demetriades 2010). The factor include; the last decades evolvement of Human Resource Management (HRM), the last 50 years development of the Public Relations (PR) field (including socialist interpretation of PR), and the increased global increase in entrepreneurial ventures. Together with the development and availability of technology and the internet, these three fields are affected by and affect public education. Using communications and management theories to interlink the three fields, we can look towards a future trend shaping the education landscape. More specifically, examining how management and communications theory introduces relationship theory as they become the practical solution to our existence.  Continue reading →

Ode to Sydney

When people ask if I moved to Australia because I fell in love, I cringe at their assumption that I would only move across the world for another person. But they’re right, I am in love.

At first, I was uncomfortable, excited by the unknown, annoyed by how she affected me. It took me a while to understand that what I was feeling was love. I started dreaming like a teenager again, waking up aroused, yearning for her to lick the sweat off my body.

I was madly in love with a captivating muse. On sunlit days, I could lose myself in her laneways, explore her depths, and dream of everything we could be together. Our time would slip away on weekends at the markets, purchasing flowers, tasting jams, enjoying ice cream, sharing smiles, laughter, and sunsets. So blissful. I’d never heard of Sunday blues till I met her.

As with any love, there would be grey days. I looked for flaws, scrutinized her, and felt vexed that such beauty could be so exasperating. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t her fault, but it was easier to cast blame on her for my own shortcomings.

Although I knew it wasn’t fair to her, I projected my own shadows onto her and blamed her for kicking me when I was down. I visualized lying on the ground with her bent over me, kicking and screaming, even though I knew it was my own doing.

Sometimes I’d leave in a rage. “I’ll never come back,” I’d say. “You’re not good to me. You’re holding me back.” But as soon as I’d been away for a while, I’d miss her. I’d miss how she had helped me grow, miss all the adventures, miss her embrace. Of course, I’d never leave.

It’s perplexing how something could be both shallow and profound at the same time. A platonic friendship, purely spiritual, free from desire. I don’t admire many people the way I admire her. The truth is, it’s a love so deep it pierces my soul.

I am in love, how can I not be? She has lifted me, changed me, and helped me become who I was always meant to be. I had found myself in her. She showed me how to despise myself less and love myself more.

She saw me in a different light. She allowed me to feel powerful and brilliant. She enlightened me to see within myself the glory I saw in others. As I had liberated others, she liberated me.

Though she ruthlessly tears at me, I am in love with her, with who I’ve become, with who I am. She inspires me in the subtle art of loving myself.

Thank you, Sydney.

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